love her

i love that she loves me.

i love that she loves me so much she’ll say things that she knows may hurt my feelings in order to see me grow.

i love that she’s dedicated and passionate and willing even when she doesn’t always feel it.

i love that she loves me.

i love that she says yes every day.

i love that we are connected, however it may be.

and tonight, i miss her.

strange, maybe. but i think it’s just that i’m away from home, and she is part of home for me.

i love that too. love that, love her.

one year

today is a year.

it feels like one day and 63 years all at the same time.

it’s a strange thing to think about but in all reality,

today is no different than any other day.

it doesn’t feel different.

it doesn’t look different.

it just is.

and i am.

and that is a miracle.

 

i went to the 7am meeting this morning, like i did yesterday morning, and i ran into a girl i hadn’t seen in months on end. what a beautiful way to start my morning.

after chatting with some people at the meeting, i called my sponsor who is at a trade show today. she couldn’t answer so i left her a message. i’m so grateful for her. she is such an amazing woman and i am eternally grateful for all the time she’s invested in my life, for all of the phone calls, meetings, and laughs.

after that i called the woman who brought me into this program, the hand of AA outstretched to me on day 1. to my surprise, she answered and we chatted for about 45 minutes. i miss her so much. she moved recently to marry a man who is not an alcoholic and lives in another state. he’s a beautiful, wonderful, loving man from what i can see of him and what i’ve been told about him. both of our lives are so different today. if you had told her a year ago that she’d be getting married in two weeks, she probably would have laughed. and if you had told me a year ago that i would love that woman with my whole heart, to the moon and back, i would have laughed. but i do. i love her so deeply. and i’m so grateful for her. and i miss her.

 

my watch party was last night.

what a blessing.

 

it was such a treat to have my sponsor there, and my first sponsor, and my old home group friends (who put on the party for me), and my friend from church and my friend from high school. it was such a beautiful mix of people, young and old, that came together to support and celebrate me.

 

i am inexpressibly grateful.

 

thank you, god.

thank you for today.

thank you for yesterday.

thank you for every yesterday ever.

thank you for aa.

thank you for my sobriety.

thank you for my life.

 

tonight i tell my story. what a  blessing. what an honor and privilege to be asked to speak and especially on my birthday. what an awesome, tangible sign of all that has happened and continues to happen for me in this program.

 

i’m not perfect.

i messed up just last night.

i have a lot of growing to do.

 

what would i have done had it not been for this program?

 

thank you for my sobriety.

screw the axiom!

okay, not really. but sometimes that spiritual axiom business really cramps my style. i know i’ve got to chill out on the critiquing that happens at meetings. my brain gets going and i do the least spiritual thing and let it go! yikes.

“ah-ha” moments

I really didn’t think I ever had “ah-ha” moments, and maybe I was right. Until today. Today I actually did have an “ah-ha” moment and I KNOW that I had it. Pretty neat.

i’m not an engineer, though i sometimes think i am.

i heard something funny today in a meeting. (i think i rightly imagined kit smiling and nodding her head vigorously in my direction and perhaps pointing her finger at me.)

when talking about sticking around ’til the miracle happens, it was suggested that i (we) not design the miracle.

haha.

i hadn’t heard that before (at least not that i can recall) and it made me chuckle. it’s perfect.

things are changing

things are changing, slowly but surely. i know kit pointed out this morning that something was different, that progress had been made. she laughed and pointed out that she was pointing it out. she told me to write it down so i could remember. i didn’t write it down and now i don’t remember. haha.

i’m starting to look at myself differently. things are starting to take shape. my resolve to do and be better is a little stronger every day.

i celebrated 10 months on the 26th of april and am looking forward to the next month and a half. no, it doesn’t end after a year, but it’s a milestone i am very anxious to achieve. i’m also secretly wanting to see sam (sambuca) reach her one year.

it’s going to be special to share that with her. i hope we always share dates this close. (we’re three days apart.)

tonight when i looked at kit, i saw something different. nothing has changed and yet, something has. looking at her differently helped me to realize that i was looking at me differently.

i’m excited for what is yet to come…

Delegate Report

So I attended my first ever delegate report meeting this morning. All I can say is, “Wow.”

This program, this FELLOWSHIP is awesome. It rarely ceases to amaze me. (And when it “ceases to amaze” it’s really just me being in a funk, trying to avoid being connected to something over which I am in fear.)

Saturday morning at the women’s meeting I sat misty-eyed as I looked around the room. Neither of my sponsors (present and past) were there. None of my “litter” were there. No one whom I would consider a close friend was there. But my other sisters in sobriety were and for that I was and am truly grateful. As I looked around at the faces of the women, I felt a connection and a love that is so unique and so genuine. There is truly nothing like meeting with a group of alcoholic women to talk about the solutions to our problem(s) and to welcome the newcomer.

I have a place in my heart for each of those women and I hope that never EVER goes away.

The same was true this morning at the meeting where we listened to our area’s delegate give the report from the conference held last week in New York. I sat in awe of the fellowship, of the commitment of its people and the earnest desire to continually be of service to the still suffering alcoholic.

I’m in love with my life today not because it’s perfect but because it’s full and peaceful – something I would not/could not have without this program and fellowship.

 

… Apologies. The rest of this post was lost to cyberspace at Starbucks when my purchased time ran out. Dang. (My Gold Card flipped into a slit in the deck at Snuffer’s so until the replacement comes, internet connection is hard to come by.) There wasn’t much anyway that got lost since I started shortly before meeting a friend for coffee and fellowship.

God is Love

i caught a great deal of the noon meeting today and i’m glad i did. we keep talking about God at that meeting. i’ve not yet decided if it’s because the people who end up chairing don’t realize that they’re bringing up the same topic we talked about four days ago or if they just like it so much that they think we don’t need to talk about anything else.

either way, i needed to talk about God today. i needed to remind myself that God is love. i wasn’t mad at God or distant from God. i just needed that little extra to make my day go from satisfactory to so great i wonder if i might be dreaming.

it hasn’t been smooth, but it’s been good. and i love that God is love.

Happy 1st Birthday, Blonde!

After last night’s meeting at the sober house, Blonde, Boots, Boots’ friend, and I headed to Snuffer’s for dinner. Blonde has ONE YEAR (!!!) of sobriety today and last night was her watch party. We had some time to kill so dinner and fellowship it was. Blonde shared some with us about her last night out – a year ago yesterday. She talked about how miserable she was and how different life is now.

After making small cheese babies in our stomaches (those cheese fries will literally be the death of Dallas), we headed over to FC’s house for the watch party. We had a great deal of fun and it was such a blessing for me to witness Blonde turn one! As I stood across the kitchen island from her, singing happy birthday with everyone there, tears started to fill her eyes. I wasn’t surprised, per se, but I also wasn’t expecting it. My heart was dancing in my chest and she thanked everyone for being there. “A year ago today I knew I would be starting a journey but I had no idea what kind of journey it would be.” Then tears filled my eyes. I can’t even hardly remember what she said but something along the lines of never expecting what came to her but being ever so grateful for it.

I remember first meeting blonde. I was incredibly intimidated by her. I didn’t want her to look at me and I certainly didn’t want to talk to her. How much things have changed! I love her like a sister… and that’s just how we interact! Haha. I’m so blest to have her in my life. She is amazing, wonderful, beautiful.

Happy 1st Birthday, Blonde!! I love you!!

It’s what we do.

Last night after work, I went for a walk with a friend around her neighborhood. We chatted about her baby (still growing inside of her), about work, and about church. We had a good walk and soon it was time for me to be off to a meeting at a sober house. I arrived two minutes before start time (according to my phone which I think has the right time) but the meeting had already started. Oh well. I couldn’t change that fact! So I sat down and got excited to be listening to an awesome speaker.

This particular woman spoke at this step meeting every Tuesday night last month and was a hoot. I couldn’t wait to listen to her again.

Last month she had shared with us that earlier that day her doctor had called her concerned about a growth he believed to be cancer. Though her doctor is yet to confirm it, he’s implied strongly that there is a significant chance that it is cancer and that it is malignant. Still, she showed up just a few hours later to speak. “It’s what we do,” she said. And she laughed and she joked and she gave a serious and strong message about this program, about the steps, and about living a sober life. Experience, strength, and hope. That’s what she brought and had I been new to the program, I probably would have had little doubt in my mind that it could work for me too.

Last night she looked as crazy and lovable as ever. Diet coke in hand she approached the humble little podium at the front of the room and introduced herself. She started talking some, starting mostly from the beginning as the women living in the house are usually only there for a couple of weeks. Then came the shocking news:

Two weeks ago tomorrow her eldest son (whom she has talked about on numerous occasions in the past month and a half) was killed in a drunk driving accident.

…

The Tuesday after the accident (last week) she showed up and she talked about the steps. She shared her experience, strength and hope with a group of women who wanted sobriety. She suited up and showed up because it’s what we do.

She received the call at 3am and at 4:30am she was at the scene of the wreck. He had been alone in the car and no other car had been involved. Many people had been hurt but only he had died. He was an alcoholic.

The poor boy had lived totally in his disease. And it killed him.

Still, his mother suited up and showed up. Because it’s what we do.

Listening to her last night I found myself with a deep and sincere gratitude for my sober life. I am one of the lucky ones. Truly.